im a twat

current location : sgh, my uncle is in his last few days or perhaps hours.

really puts me into perspective over whatever i have been feeling.

so insignificant, dumb, childish, etc etc.

while i am being selfish and wallowing in self pity my uncle is fighting for his life against cancer and staying alive

while im pitying myself and not doing anything about it but moaning and groaning, my cousin has to deal with losing his father at such a young age.

and now while i am up at the hospital lending whatever insignificant amount of support i can, im really set into thinking.

what the hell am i doing? ive asked myself this question alotta times, if i were to die the next day or be given the option to die, would i regret it or accept it. sad to say the answer is probably still yes. i don't have much to live for and that's just plain sad.

to be totally honest to myself and to the select few that read, im currently still at a zero point of my life, a nothing.

what do i have? a cheap diploma that doesnt account for much? what are other people doing with their life?

the only thing i can concern myself with is wanting more and more and more. more money, more friends, more and more for myself. everything is about me. disgusting.

im even beginning to doubt myself if the feelings i have a real or is it just caused by selfishness. all i know is the definition of infatuation, love, like, and the like. how easy is it to differentiate? if i think of you day and night, about your pretty eyes and your cute smile, does that mean i'm in love?

or am i just fooling myself into that state of something because im nothing? i guess that's something i'll just have to figure out on my own. because its just too pathetic, to share with a friend or whoever, it'll seem too insignificant and minute a problem. people are starving and dying in the world garrick, and u just care about yourself and your cheap feelings. what a wuss.

i'll always have the excuse that people won't understand, it's different for me
but maybe it's all the same for everyone and im just finding excuses for myself to get by with my life eh.